"Juan's up on a dime."

That was to be my winning entry in this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, barring three minor problems: namely, you have to actually send in your entry to win; I'd probably have to substantiate that "dime" is indeed prison slang for, among other things, a ten-year prison sentence; and enough people would have to share that knowledge for the pun to work.

Sounds a tad strained, I admit.

No matter, though, as the results are now in and you can read for yourself the entries from this year's winners and runners-up at the Bulwer-Lytton web site. 

For those too busy to surf, here's the winning entry:

She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon.

--Dave Zobel, Manhattan Beach, CA

They seem to consistently favor the entries with the parenthetically tongue-in-cheek elaborations.  I imagine that as long as those entries keep winning, many contestants will continue entering them.

Here are a few of my other favorites from this year's list:

The legend about Padre Castillo's gold being buried deep in the Blackwolf Hills had lain untold for centuries and will continue to do so for this story is not about hidden treasure, nor is it set in any mountainous terrain whatsoever.

--Siew-Fong Yiap, Kowloon, Hong Kong

Detective Micky Blarke arrived on the scene at 2:14 am, and gave his cigarette such a severe pull that rookie Paul Simmons swore the insides of the detective's cheeks touched, but the judge indicated that that amount of detail was not necessary in his testimony, and instructed the jury to disregard that statement.

--Joe Polvino, Webster, NY

She was a tough one, all right, as tough as a marshmallow--not one of those soft sticky ones used in s'mores, cooked to a turn over a good campfire, or even like the stale chewy type covered in yellow sugar and found at the bottom of a three-week-old Easter basket--no, she was tough like a freeze-dried marshmallow in kid's cereal that despite being shaped like a little balloon and colored a friendly pink are so rock solid that they are responsible for the loss of more baby teeth than most older siblings.

--Bridget Lyle, Walworth, NY

I first saw her from across the crowded dance floor, cedar I think, (as if I can reference a specie of wood planks at a glance) I just know it wasn't that yellowish basketball court wood, the type with the glossy veneer (now THAT, I could recognize), anyway, she had the refined elegance and demure fragility of a really old Princess Leia.

--Scott McIlhany, Bellingham, WA

Hans sipped from his bottle of German Bru-hoff beer and idly read the label: "Bruhoff, a heady-nosed Rhine beer has a slightly briny pose, and if you've ever drawn it, you would like the way it flows, but all of the other Rhine beers, Dusen lagers, and thick ales, they never beat our Bru-hoff in the yearly Rhine beer games."

--Roger J. McNichols, Pearland, TX   [Now, that's a punster.]

The day dawned much like any other day, except that the date was different.

--Geoff Blackwell, Bundaberg , Queensland Australia

The thing that goes back and forth inside the old grandfather clock swung like a pendulum.

--John Brugliera, W. Lebanon, NH

Kaitlynn looked like a woman who'd been used by more guys than a porta potty at a burrito festival yet I loved her madly even if she wasn't the kind of girl you'd take home to meet mom unless mom was at her monthly garden club meeting and dad was home alone mowing the lawn or cleaning out the garage.

--Robert Salsbury, Spokane Valley, WA

Stamp, stack, stamp, stack, stamp, stack, Rodney was going insane from the monotony of the job and the cruel irony of being guest of the New Hampshire penal system forced to read the words over and over: "Live Free or Die," "Live Free or Die," "Live Free or Die."

--Denise Hendsbee, Santa Cruz, CA

Maynard Fimble was told that "you can't compare apples and oranges," but, he thought, they are both eatable, grow on trees, are about the same size, are good for you, have a peel, come in many varieties, and are approximately round in shape, thus, to his horror and guilt, he realized that he was comparing them and wondered what punishment awaited him and on whose order.

--Charles Jaworski, North Pole, AK

As Amy reached for the envelope her heart fluttered in anticipation like the wings of a fruit bat that has eaten a fermented peach, and even though she knew the statistic that you are more likely to be hit by a meteorite than to win the lottery, she was still quite surprised when opening the envelope to be hit by a meteorite.

--Tim Lafferty, HorsellWoking, U.K.

Keith's popularity as the first openly gay daredevil was rising quickly; in fact, it was said he ate danger for breakfast, followed by a light brunch of lemon scones, quiche, and the occasional Mimosa, and then he was back to eating danger.

--Nathan Murray, San Diego, CA

I woke up in Shirley's father's dog's house -- or at least most of me did, because the house was ranch style as near as I could figure it and Shirley's father's dog Tracey was one of those little terrier types with the sardonic overbite and the haunted eyes of a Flamenco dancer.

--Jim Waples, Wauwatosa, WI

I will tell you a tale of great adventure like in "Treasure Island," with some smiles and some tears like in "Lassie Come Home," some treachery and some heroism, again, like in "Treasure Island," some romance and some betrayal like in lots of Shakespeare ("Romeo and Juliet," for example), and even -- if the reader doesn't mind -- some philosophy, but like the Chicken Soup books not like Spinoza or Plato or anything.

--David Wyman, Goffstown, NH

Are you still reading?  It goes to show, among other things, that one can only stand so much of a bad thing.

Which leaves me to wonder how mind-numbingly tiresome it must quickly become to be one of the judges in this contest.

As well it may for almost any contest, now that I think about it. Who'd want to sit around for days judging heifers at a 4-H club or talent competitions at a beauty pageant? Or vice versa?