Random BS

[From the Pointless Internet Search Files, Case #25913

Warning: contains vulgarity and racial epithets, as well as silly and rare adjectival expressions. If you are offended by such language, please skip this posting.]

One day in 1974 a friend and I were wandering the mall bored out of our minds and decided to see a movie, any movie, whatever was playing. "Oh, look: a western." "Fine. Why not? Let's go." We didn't read the poster, notice who was in it, care about who directed it, or bother to watch the opening credits.

Moments later we were in painful tears of laughter. Welcome to Mel Brooks' "Blazing Saddles." To this day I believe that it was the unexpectedness of the experience as much as it was Brooks' scatological grade school humor appealing to our teenage sensibilities that made the movie so painfully funny to us. Whatever it was the movie became, for a time, a personal favorite and one I saw again and again.

Soon I knew and could imitate almost every line in the movie, save one. Somewhere early on there was a nonsensical line that I was certain I was mishearing--something about a chicken getting caught in a tractor's nuts.

Years later, welcome to the internet and another pointless use of technology. I went in search of the Blazing Saddles screenplay, but what I found was so much more. I did discover to my delight that many of the screenplays to my all-time favorite movies are available for free downloading; that, to a bibliophile and a movie fan, is pure gold. But I also found the answer to my question. The quote that had puzzled me for so many years is, in fact:

"We'll make Rock Ridge think it’s a chicken that got caught in a tractor’s nuts."

So what the heck is that gobbledygook supposed to mean?

Luckily, the site I serendipitously navigated to explained it. In fact, it went through the entire screenplay line by line and decoded every joke, colloquialism, and racial slur. I had found a site maintained by an ESL (English as a Second Language) instructor who had devoted his energies to contextualizing American screenplays to individuals for whom English was a second language and who might be confused by dialog in American movies as well as by day-to-day conversational English.

What a novel idea. But "Blazing Saddles," for heaven's sake?? It certainly resulted in a few hilarious moments for me, reading exactly how this individual chose to explain American slang, idioms, and mores.

Here are a few of my favorites:

"We’ll make Rock Ridge think it’s a chicken that got caught in a tractor’s nuts."

A “tractor” is a truck with huge wheels that is used for pulling farm equipment across a field. “Nuts” is a slang word for testicles (or balls), and thus this sentence is totally ridiculous and makes no sense. --So now I know.

"What in the wide world of sports is going on here?"

“The Wide World of Sports” was a popular TV show in the 1970s. This sentence is ridiculous, though people do ask “What in the world is going on here?” when they want to add emotion to this basic question.

"Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded and cattle raped."

“Crops” are the foods that farmers grow, such as wheat and corn. A store that has been “looted” has been attacked by a violent group of people that steal everything in it. A “stampede” is a large group of running animals, such as “cattle,” which is a plural word for cows.

"No sidewinder, bushwhacking, hornswoggling cracker crocker is going to ruin my biscuit cutter."

More useless nonsense words, though you should know that “to ruin” means to destroy and that a “biscuit” is a type of cookie or cracker. --Actually, you should just use this quote whenever possible, like PTA meetings and in-law gatherings.

"This is 1874; You’ll be able to sue her."

“To sue” a person is to file a legal claim against them in a court of law, usually for money. Suing people is a popular American hobby. --I think he's editorializing here.

"We’ve got to protect our phony-baloney jobs."

“Phony” means fake or not real, and “baloney” is a type of processed meat. A silly and rare adjectival expression.

"Excuse me, while I slip into something a little more comfortable."

A classic line that women say when they want to put on clothes that men would consider very sexy. --Now he's providing helpful dating information regarding the elusive American female.

"I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, train robbers, shit kickers and Methodists."

Perhaps the greatest list of bad people in the history of film! Among those that you should know:
Rustlers...People who steals cows
Cut throats...People who are willing to do anything to win.
Bounty hunters...People who try to capture wanted criminals.
Mugs, pugs, thugs...Aggressive and dangerous people.
Nitwits, halfwits, dimwits...Stupid people.
Vipers...Snakes.
Con men...People who trick others in order to get their money.
Muggers...People who physically attack others to get money.
Methodists...A denomination (or division) in the Christian church.

"Ah prairie shit, everybody..."

“Prairie shit” is an interesting variation of horseshit or bullshit.

"Somebody has got to go back and get a shitload of dimes."

A “shitload” is a huge amount, and “dimes” are ten cent coins. --Right; another useful line to know when dealing with confusing American barter systems.

"Blazing Saddles" is not the only screenplay this fellow has kindly synopsized. Check out his site and you'll see he also has synopses for "American Pie," "Animal House," "Dumb and Dumber," "Legally Blonde," "Shrek," "When Harry Met Sally" (which I certainly found inscrutable), and dozens more.